Monday, May 08, 2006

Square Order Shuffle

That's how I feel inside sometimes, those three words as a group, each word alone, or any two of them as a pair.
Square... too ordinary, too establishment, too blah blah blah.
Order... too much order, too much regimen, barking too many silent orders.
Shuffle... moving things around trying to find the perfect place for things, for me, for being.

Square Order... the kind of tidiness that is ordinary and expected in a nicely maintained household, the kind of household Martha Stewart would be proud to visit.
Square Shuffle... moving things around in expected ways, calculated moves.
Order Shuffle... telling people (a-loud or a-quiet) how to shift their views to match mine
Order Square... to put their things in an order I understand.
Shuffle Order and Shuffle Square are just more of the same.

Left to my own devices, I can create and maintain a sense of order, at least for a little while until I get some crazy idea in my head for a project and then things just get blasted into disorder for a while. Somehow, when there are other beings involved (at home, at work, even in small groups like Forensics) I somehow think it's up to me to come up with a plan for things to work much more simply, with much less mess. Fact is, it just ain't really so. My description for my life has often been "ORGANIZED CHAOS" and I sometimes wonder why I get so wound up in trying to have things look so "good", so tidy, so NICE. What I've really been wanting to do are things that are the opposite of housework, the opposite of tidy, and the opposite of maintaining the status quo. What I really want to be doing is writing, making quilts, digging in the dirt, playing the fiddle, driving to Hampden to roll around on the floor/ground with little A. What I end up doing is dishes, laundry, picking up, cooking.
Would it really be so awful if I stocked up on enough Cheeze-Its and nachos to last the weekend? Is there some reason why I don't trust the wonderful people around me to pick up the slack when I just want to play, and then let them do what they do on their own schedule? Really. I'm just getting pretty fed up with myself lately, for allowing myself, for ENCOURAGING myself to get and stay caught up in all these darned chores :) I will say that I had a REALLY fun time this weekend working on building a trail in the woods, to me that really was like playing! It was one of the most fun things I've done lately, so I guess I won't give up on myself totally...
Square Order Shuffle comes from The Fiddler's Throne.


B said...

You just have to say, hey, so I went for one towel and got two. It's really no big deal how they're folded, or how many come when I only want one. Fold the extra and throw it back in. After the nice hot shower, will it really make a difference how you got that clean towel? No. What makes a difference is that you're clean, warm, and feel really good.

Fiddler said...

I know :) Thanks for the reminder, it helps to talk about it and get somebody else's ideas, put me in my place, haha :)

Tonya said...

You get "wound up" about things looking tidy and all that because that "covers up" the "chaos" inside your mind...:-) Just consider it for a moment... Also, give yourself permission to have fun! Remember my love, you are the only one that takes yourself there and you are the only one that can get yourself back to balance and peace!

I love you!!!!!!!!!!! :-)